nonbinary.

I must preface all of this by saying that this is my experience and only my own. Nobody should be discouraged from doing what they believe is best for them because it wasn't the best for someone else. But given that I've never found anyone saying the things I wanted to say, that I wanted to hear, I believe it is important for me to write them down. If others like me exist, they can rest assured knowing they're not alone.

Back in May 2020, when my gender exploration began, I knew little about being transgender. I understood that there were these hormones people would take as part of their transition. The prospect wasn't immediately appealing, and at that point I had much more pressing questions regarding my gender and sexuality, so I thought little of it.

Years later, and as other aspects of my own self have become clearer, the question of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) remains as confusing as ever. Since my initial questioning, however, I've done a bit of research. And there's a few common points I've heard from my trans friends and from social media.

I've heard many testimonials of people saying that thanks to it, they finally feel at home in their own bodies. I've heard a few people talk about male and female brains, and how having the matching hormones in their bloodstream has been so beneficial to them. Others have mentioned that thanks to HRT, they've been feeling emotions more according to their gender.

None of this is appealing to me in the slightest.

I don't really feel uncomfortable in my body. Sure, it isn't perfect, and the whole facial hair thing is annoying, but that's not going to get solved by HRT either. I most definitely have no issue with my sexual organs either. They are what they are, and I don't see them as having any bearing on my gender. Pardon to overshare, but I even like what I got; although I probably wouldn't mind having the other set, I certainly don't find myself wishing I had been born with it.

The matter of male and female brains has always reeked to me of biological essentialism. Even if there was concrete scientific evidence of genetic differences between male and female brains, or that these differences had a strong correlation with being transgender (which to my understanding, there is not), that is not how I want to think of myself. Being transgender, to me, is a rejection of biology. An understanding that a person can be someone entirely different from what they might be predisposed.

A similar remark applies to comments about how HRT can give you attitudes more affine to your gender. I am loud, I am overpowering, I am calculating. And who is to say that a woman can't be any of those things? If anything, this only makes me worried that if I take hormones, I'll end up an entirely different person to who I really am. Weren't we trying to achieve the exact opposite?

Of course, anyone who knows anything about the subject could tell you that the main benefit is really breast tissue growth. I'll be crass here, that would be... fine I guess? I'm not opposed to the idea: every once and then I'll wear a padded bra if I'm trying to pull a certain look. But it's definitely not something I want desperately, let alone need. Currently, I like to tell people that I already have boobs, albeit small. I also like that as is, there's some plausible deniability in taking my shirt off and having it be uncomfortable. Why ask for more? All I'm going to get is sensitive nipples and weird stares.

Regarding the smaller benefits, they feel like random changes at best and slightly detrimental side effects at worst. Slower body hair growth, reduced skin oil, needing to use the restroom more often, a nonzero chance of medical complications. They definitely don't make the offer more appealing.

So after years of deliberating, at least for the time being, I feel confident in saying I don't want to pursue hormone replacement therapy. And yet, this leaves me in a very uncomfortable position.

I've seen the claim many, many times, that one doesn't need to take HRT in order to be transgender. And while the people who make this claim are well-intentioned, I think many of them fail to actually internalize it. More than once, I've seen people, even my friends, use the word "transition" as a synonym for medical transition, entirely overlooking the social aspect. And even though I know many binary trans people, both public and private figures, I know very few that don't take or want to take hormones, and not a single one that actively rejects the prospect. On the contrary, most of them are either taking it, or feel varying degrees of bad about not being able to. This all makes it very hard for me to feel like there's not something wrong with me, or that I'm somehow making up excuses, despite all of my prior reasoning.

The one exception seems to be nonbinary people. Of course, many of them do end up taking HRT, but just as many of them don't. And because of this, I often get the feeling that I must be nonbinary by default. Maybe I feel like a woman, but not enough so to really qualify, as seen by the fact that I actively avoid being in a "woman's body". And since I'm definitely not a man either, that leaves only a single alternative.

Early in my transition, I adopted the demigirl label. In short, this label describes someone who identifies partially as a woman, but not fully. And at that point in time, when I was still struggling to figure things out, this label resonated with me. It felt comfortable, and it was a smaller jump to take than to immediately embrace full womanhood. To be honest, I really expected I'd eventually outgrow this. But nowadays, I'm not so sure.

For the moment, I've started presenting to my closest queer friends as nonbinary. Ultimately that doesn't change much, but it does somewhat legitimize my identity. Everyone else in my day-to-day life doesn't really need to know the details.

So, am I really nonbinary? Yeah, though not necessarily by conscious choice.