what it means to me.
There are a lot of things I could talk about here. I could mention how I never really cared for my own appearance as a kid, since I didn't like how I looked regardless. I could mention how audio recordings of myself used to make me feel uncomfortable, since the voice I heard was always deeper and raspier than what I imagined myself to sound like. Perhaps I could talk about how I was made fun of for not fitting into masculine archetypes, or that one time I wore a dress "as a dare", or any of the other countless experiences from my formative years that I could retcon into my current understanding of myself.
Is any of this what it means to be transgender? I don't know. Admittedly, these life events make it somewhat easier to explain to others why I am the way I am. It helps justify that my decision to live as myself isn't just a phase or some odd mid-pandemic coping mechanism, as some might have it. But in all honesty, a lot of of my teenage woes are equally attributable to academic stress and low self-esteem. High school was rough, and I highly doubt living it as a woman or otherwise would have made it all that much better.
There are however some things I can definitely link to being transgender. There is of course how happy I felt when I first tried putting on makeup, or when I bought my first skirt. Or that time I went out in a facemask and a friend told me they "thought I looked like a girl". Or those weird, fuzzy feelings when my closest friends first started using my name, or during those first few times I got called a lady at checkout.
For many people, being transgender is something that is rooted in gender dysphoria, in suffering, and that needs to be alleviated through transition. And this experience is entirely valid; I have no intention of arguing otherwise. But this experience is not my own, or at the very least, I don't want to view it as my own. I don't want people seeing me as someone trapped in the wrong body. I want others to see me flourishing as myself, not having to live a life that didn't correspond to me, but not regretting that I tried it out.
